Honouring yourself does not take love away from others, it makes it sustainable.

February often brings a spotlight on love: romantic love, partnership, connection, compassion. Hearts appear in shop windows, social feeds fill with gestures of affection, and conversations turn toward relationships.

But in the therapy room, February sounds a little different.

It sounds a little like:
“Every time I put myself first, I feel guilty.”
“I take care of everyone else, but I don’t know what I want.”
“Why do I keep losing myself in relationships?”
Can you relate to any of these questions?

This month, rather than asking how to love better or give more, we are inviting a different reflection question: What does it mean to honour myself, gently, consistently, and without guilt?

“Every Time I Put Myself First, I Feel Guilty”

This is one of the most common sentences we hear as psychotherapists and music therapists, especially from caregivers, helpers, parents, and people who have learned to prioritize others’ needs early in life.

Guilt around self-care is rarely about selfishness. More often, it’s about conditioning.

From a psychological standpoint, guilt arises when a behaviour conflicts with an internalized belief. If you learned – explicitly or implicitly – that your worth comes from being useful, accommodating, or emotionally available, then choosing yourself can feel like a violation of who you’re “supposed” to be.

So when you rest, say no, or take up space, your nervous system may respond with discomfort and stress, even if the choice is healthy.

In therapy, we will reassure our clients that guilt does not mean you are doing something wrong. It often means you are doing something new, something unfamiliar to your nervous system and regular patterns.

Honouring yourself may initially feel unfamiliar because it interrupts the patterns that once helped you belong, survive, and/or stay safe. It’s not possible to erase guilt overnight, but with therapeutic support and practice, you learn to move through it with gentleness and  self-compassion.

“I Take Care of Everyone Else, But I Don’t Know What I Want”

This reflection holds so much tenderness. Many people arrive at therapy deeply attuned to others’ needs but disconnected from their own inner landscape. They know what keeps the peace, what supports their loved ones, what makes others comfortable, yet when asked what they want, they go blank.

This is often the result of long-standing relational adaptation.

From a therapeutic lens, this pattern can form when:
– Emotional attunement was required early on

– Needs were minimized or overlooked
– Love felt conditional on being helpful or agreeable

Over time, the nervous system becomes outward-focused, scanning for cues from others rather than signals from within.

It’s not always easy to simply jump back in and reconnect with yourself and it certainly doesn’t happen through force or pressure. It happens through curiosity and self-reflection.

In therapy, we guide our clients by encouraging them to check in with themselves when they don’t feel particularly self-connected:
“What do I notice in my body right now?”
“What feels draining lately?”
“What brings even a small sense of relief?”

Honouring yourself begins not with grand declarations, but with listening – often quietly, often slowly, and regularly – to your body.

“Why Do I Keep Losing Myself in Relationships?”

This question often carries shame, frustration, or self-blame. But from a psychotherapeutic perspective, losing oneself in relationships is rarely about weakness and more about attachment.

As we know, humans are wired for connection. When closeness feels linked to safety, identity can become flexible in order to maintain bonds. You may notice yourself adapting preferences, boundaries, or emotional expression to preserve harmony.

This can look like:
– Saying yes when you want to say no
– Downplaying needs to avoid conflict
– Shaping yourself around others’ expectations

This is all in the name of safeguarding connection.

The work becomes learning how to stay connected without disappearing. Healthy self-honouring in relationships doesn’t mean withdrawing or becoming rigid. It means practicing presence with boundaries and allowing your inner experience to matter alongside someone else’s.

Honouring Yourself Is Not Selfish. It’s Regulating.

From a nervous system perspective, honouring yourself is a form of regulation.

When you override your needs repeatedly, the body registers stress. Over time, this can show up as fatigue, irritability, anxiety, emotional numbness and even physical ailments. Listening to yourself – even in small ways every day – signals safety to the system.

Listening to yourself might include:
– Taking breaks without justification
– Choosing rest over productivity
– Expressing preferences without apology
– Letting your “no” be enough

Psychotherapy often helps clients reframe self-honouring as relational sustainability. When you are attuned to yourself, you are better able to show up with authenticity, clarity, energy and emotional availability, not depletion.

Healthy Love Begins With the Relationship You Have With Yourself

As we mentioned above, February often focuses on how we love others, but here at Shine we would like to gently turn the lens inward.

The way you speak to yourself, the boundaries you allow, the needs you honour or dismiss, and the compassion you offer when you struggle all form the foundation of every other relationship in life.

Self-honouring does not mean perfection or constant confidence. It means allowing yourself to be human – to have limits, desires, contradictions, and needs.

From a therapeutic perspective, self-love is not a feeling you achieve. It is a practice of relating to yourself with respect. Sometimes that practice looks like rest or speaking up, or even seeking support.

Therapy’s Role in Rebuilding the Relationship With Self

In therapy, honouring the self is not rushed or forced. It unfolds naturally and in perfect timing through safety.

A psychotherapist offers:
– A space where your needs are not too much
– Reflection that helps you hear yourself more clearly
– Support in untangling guilt from care
– Gentle accountability as you practice new ways of relating to self and others

Modalities such as somatic therapy and music therapy can be especially supportive as they help you reconnect with internal cues – sensations, emotions, rhythms – when words feel insufficient.

Music, in particular, can support self-honouring by bypassing intellectualization and inviting presence. Listening, singing, or improvising can help release judgment and reconnect you with gentleness toward yourself.

In closing…

Honouring yourself doesn’t need to be dramatic or performative. Often, it begins quietly, and with intention.

You might try:
– Noticing when guilt arises and staying curious rather than critical
– Asking yourself one honest question a day: “What do I need right now?”
– Allowing rest without earning it
– Choosing one boundary that supports your energy
– Letting yourself enjoy something without explanation

These moments matter. They build trust with yourself over time (think compound interest!).

Honouring yourself is not about becoming someone new. It’s about coming home to who you already are, with kindness. And if you’d like support in that process, therapy can be a place to begin – gently, safely, and at your own pace.